Life and Death
by Cpt. Ritter
Summary: Reactions when a character dies. Multiple first person POVs. Would spoil to say any more.
1. John Sheppard

A/N: This is just a idea that came to me and I decided to write on it. Uses first person POV to show their inner feelings when... well, you'll see. Uses the setting from my other fic, A Fate Worse Than Death, not related any more than that. Warning, character death!

_John Sheppard_

Thump. I hit the floor of the gate room. I can't remember why, or how. All I know is I feel this strange sensation. It starts near my feet and crawls to my head. I really can't understand it. I'm not sure I want to understand it.

I can hear a dull roar. Everything seems surreal, as if it's not really happening. Teyla's kneeling over me, tears staining her cheeks, yelling something I can't understand. My god, she's gorgeous. I don't know why that's all I can thing of, I don't know why she's crying.

The only thing that's right is my eyes. I can see. Rodney's also screaming at something. Carson's coming through the side door, followed by medics with a stretcher. Am I hurt, they're coming for me.

I look down and it all comes back. The fight, the wounds. The final shots that hit me as I fell through the gate. It doesn't seem to matter. I see a light, just beyond my vision. It's not harsh, though it should be. It seems to be calling me.

"John please?" Teyla's voice was distant.

I look down, she's running alongside the stretcher, her hand entwined with mine. She's begging, as if pleading with some higher power. I don't know why.

"Get me a breathing mask and charge the pads." Carson's voice was even further, as if he was on the other side of the room.

This isn't right. I thought to myself. I shouldn't be here. I should be with them. I should be standing next to Teyla, looking down at the person who's supposed to be here. It's never me.

Then it hits me again, the actual knowledge that I'm running out of time. The world keeps getting more and more distant. The light keeps getting brighter and brighter, threatening the take it all away.

Ford appears from behind Teyla, his usual smile gone. "Come on Colonel."

I try to roll my head, to make some kind of witty remark, anything. But then I notice, I can't. It's like I'm in another person's body, just watching the events unfold. It's like I have no control.

I can see Elizabeth and Rodney also. They're both crying. Why? I'm not dead. I can still see them. I'm going to make it, no worse than being hit by a wraith stunner, just a lot more blood.

For some reason, the fact that I'm bleeding doesn't bother me. Carson's yelling for the nurses to administer pain killers, or something like that. It barely phases me. Hell, I'm surprised I even care.

I can't feel my legs anymore, and my arms are barely twitching. I can't believe it's all going to end like this.

A nurse plants an IV in my arm, feeding my blood from one of the packets, probably my own. I try to smile.

My face obviously still worked because Teyla broke into a fresh course of tears and stood on her knees right besides me. I try to wink, to do anything. I hate this feeling of nothingness.

Then she does something I'm not expecting. She kisses me. Full on, on the lips. I can barely feel it. I desperately want to kiss her in return, to hold her. The embrace her. Damn, I want to marry her. Why won't my body let me?

It's too late, and I know it. I can feel the numbness coming to consume me. It's already depriving me of air. I struggle to say one thing. "I love you." I struggle to say each word, but each word comes out.

Teyla collapsed to the floor. I wish I could've been there for her. I wish I could've done some. The light threatened to block it all out. I could barely see. It all sees to be the end. It sucks.

The numbness consumes me and the light takes me.


	2. Teyla Emmagen

_Teyla Emmagen_

The gate room is a haven, it always has been. It's the first sight I see when I return through the star gate and it will always be. I turn around, expecting John to come through just behind me, as usual.

Instead he falls. My heart rebounds into my throat as I see his wounds. Bullet holes in his chest, arms, and legs. He's bleeding all over the gate room. The star gate shuts down and I'm by his side.

My eyes are clouded by my own tears. His eyes are dazed, he seems distant. "We need a medical team!" I yell.

Rodney echoes my call. "We need a medic god damn it!"

I can't lose him. Why can't he say something? Why can't he look me in the eyes and wink? Why can't he assure me it's going to be all right? Ancestor's ghosts, I don't know if I can take it.

I can't stop my tears, I can't stop crying. I'm sobbing like a little girl who can't have her way. But the only thing I want is for John to live, for John to hold me once again. The world is a much harsher place without him.

Carson and his medics lift John onto the stretcher, carrying him to the infirmary. I follow, my hand entwined with John's. I'm praying ever single Ethosian prayer I can. It seems like a pitiful way to help.

John's lying on the surgical table, Carson already working to help him. I don't understand medicine like he does, but it works miracles, right? I'm right beside him, begging, "John please?" Aiden just behind me. Elizabeth and Rodney standing on the just beyond the bed.

The only ones not crying are Aiden, John, Carson and his nurses. John smiles slightly and I break into a fresh course of tears, dropping to my knees beside him. It suddenly dawns on me, he's barely there.

I kiss him trying to project everything I am into it, as if it will make him feel better. I try to smile for him, just one last time. Instead I find myself crying once again. My tears burning their way down my face. All of it, hurts too much.

His eyes become even more distant, I don't know why. He opens his mouth. "I..." I strain to hear what he's saying. "love..." I feel my knees give out on me. "you." I collapsed into a pile on the floor.

I saw his eyes as they closed and knew that it was the end. John, my husband to be, was dead. I looked around, even Aiden, who's happy expression almost never ended, had tears streaming down his face.

The little girl inside me howled. My insides felt numb. Nothing had prepared me for this. The pain was just so great that it burned. It burned hotter than fire. It burned so much that I couldn't contain it.

I screamed, my voice horse. Aiden bent down and picked me up, holding me as my body shook with sobs. It helped to have a shoulder to cry on. I envied Aiden, he was still holding it together. I was falling apart. Correction, I had fallen apart.

Life didn't seem what it used to be. I prayed to the ancestor's for John's deliverance. He couldn't, just couldn't be dead. Yet he was, and here I was, forced to mourn for him.

Fresh sobs wracked through my body, causing Aiden to rock me back and forth like a small child. He didn't say anything. There wasn't anything to be said. John Sheppard was gone, he was dead. The man I loved was forever gone.


	3. Aiden Ford

A/N: Thanks for the reviews everyone, I really do appreciate it, and I recognize most of you. (COOL!) **Grins before getting ready to write**.

_This is where the story shifts time frames a little bit. That way your not getting a constant repeat of the same event._

_Aiden Ford_

I've never been so lost in all my life, than this day. The day that I'm holding my best friend's girlfriend. She's shaking as she cries into my shoulder. Even I can't hold it in. He's dead, and I can feel nothing but suffering from everyone around me.

I hold my head high. It feels very, very heavy. I just want to crawl away. Damn it Colonel, you've left me in charge. I don't want your command, I don't need your command. I need you.

If I had my way, I'd be sitting alone on one of the abandoned peers of Atlantis. I wouldn't be holding Teyla's broken body and spirit. All I'd have to do is try to come to terms with my own feelings. I wouldn't be in this position.

Carson's trying the usual routine when someone stops breathing, but I know it's too late, John's dead. His eyes are closed, he looks like he's in peace. I guess that's something. I'm not sure if it could possibly get any worse, but at least he's not suffering.

Teyla finally manages to stand on her own. "Thank you Aiden." She says to me, her voice a horse whisper. She then turns away and leaves the infirmary, I can hear her still crying.

I clasp my hands behind my back. Just the other day we'd been care free, talking about John's plans to marry Teyla. They would've had a future together, they had a life together. I sucks that it came down this way.

In some ways, I guess I'm glad I'm not as close to anyone as John is, or rather was. Sure, I've got friends, really great ones. They'll miss me if I die, but nothing like John and Teyla. Hell, I'm not sure Teyla will recover. I could see it in her stance, the fire had been burnt out of her, all by John's death.

Carson finally stops trying. He shakes his head. "I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do." Carson turns.

I wasn't sure if Carson was crying, but I could tell that he was hurting. He lost people all the time, some he knew, some he didn't. I knew it wasn't easy. I had my own feelings as evidence of that.

I reach for John's blanket on the table, pulling over his head. "Rest in peace Colonel." I say.

"Amen." Rodney replies very quietly.

"Amen." Elizabeth echoes.

I turn to leave myself, I can't stand it any longer. I already feel my knees getting weak. I head for the gym.


	4. Rodney McKay

A/N: Thanks again to everyone who's reviewed, glad I'm making you guys feel something (Not a very good Drama if I didn't) I'm also looking for some possible Beta readers for a new Atlantis fic I've started brainstorming on. If you'd like to help, just either use the review feature or e-mail me.

_Rodney McKay_

Death is the cessation of all life. John Sheppard was that. His eyes were closed, his body was still. Even before he'd stopped breathing, I could've seen that we were losing him. His eyes had been glazed, almost as if he could barely see anymore.

You know, I never thought I'd lose my composure like this. I always thought I could take death. I was wrong, I couldn't take death any more than I could be a soldier. Yet I always went off world with John. I'd bicker and argue with him and say that I hate him, but at the same time, I always felt better around him. He was my friend.

I'm not sure I'm even remotely ready for him to be gone. I'm not sure anyone is. Teyla's shaking she's crying so profusely. Elizabeth is trying to stay strong but I know better, she's falling apart. Aiden's holding his head high, but I can see the weight. He's losing it too.

Even Carson's stifling a tear. None of us were ready for this. John Sheppard is our leader, he leads by example. He never abandoned anyone and he never will. This feels so close to abandonment that I feel I've betrayed everything he ever did for me.

I leave the infirmary, walking slowly to my room. I suddenly hate Atlantis. I hit the wall with my fist. The pain in my hand provides a small respite from the pain of John's death. "DAMN IT JOHN!" I yell.

I enter my room, sit on my bed and turn on my laptop. I call up the city wide power distribution system I'd been working on. I try to work, I try to think of something else. The problem with friends is exactly this. When you lose them, they're gone forever, and they seem to take a part of you with them.

I feel vulnerable, as if there's nothing protecting me anymore. I'm a coward, and any semblance of bravery is gone, now that John's dead. I look around. I notice the picture on my dresser. I stand and walk over to it.

It's a picture of us, as in John, Teyla, Aiden, and myself. John's holding Teyla, kissing her on the forehead. Aiden and I are flanking them on either side. We had been on the planet with the Alpha site, near one of the planet's beautiful lakes. It had been our little vacation, just after rescuing Elizabeth from the Genii.

I smiled, tears coming to my eyes again. There wouldn't be any more memories like that. John was gone, and he wouldn't be coming back. Memories. They can be a curse or a gift. I try to remember the last thing John said to me. _Come on Rodney, you're not that slow._ Again, more tears.

He always had to be the last person through the gate. It was his job, it was something he had to do. This time, it had caught up with him. Even John Sheppard, the man who defied the odds all the time, couldn't avoid them forever.

I wish I couldn't calculate the odds. It would make it so much easier to just assume everything would be fine. Instead I know that we were lucky, and that was it. The odds were always stacked against us. This time... time had caught up with us. I closed my laptop. I wouldn't be getting any work done today.


	5. Elizabeth Weir

_Elizabeth Weir_

The Ethosian village has been so quiet. I'm standing at the back of the long procession of people as we line up for John's funeral. Teyla requested that we bury him on the mainland. I agreed. If anyone has the right to decide, it's her. They were so close.

Teyla's people have already dug the hole in the ground. A tombstone was laid at the head of it. John's body is being carried on an open casket. His hands clasped on his stomach, his hair straightened out, all the blood cleaned up. In his hands, he's holding a small golden necklace, the one he'd given to Teyla just a day before.

Teyla's crying, I don't think she's stopped. I can't blame her, she's not ready for this. None of us are. Teyla just about found the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, and now he's gone. I know Teyla's suffering, and it makes my suffering all the worse.

The Ethosians set his body in the hole. Teyla kneels at the end of the hole. "John," she says, her voice distant. "I know that your in a better place. You've joined the ancestors..." Teyla stifles her tears. "in their city in the clouds. I wish I'd known you better. I wish I'd been there more. There's so much I want to tell you, but I can't." Teyla takes a few minutes to regain her composure. "I love you John Sheppard and I know that one day... I'll see you again. Until then..." Teyla breaks down into sobs.

I can't help but cry, the tears coming down my face. Each one of the burns with memories and times of happiness. In some ways I'm jealous of Teyla, in some ways I'm not. In some ways I wish I could help Teyla, but I know I can't. I'm just a crushed person, crushed because the most important person to me on Atlantis is dead.

The top is lowered onto the casket. Aiden moves to help Teyla stand back. I can feel her suffering as eight Ethosians begin to bury the casket. It's the saddest moment of my life, the saddest of anyone here. John Sheppard was more than Atlantis' military leader, he was Atlantis.

The city will be different now. It's been quieter since he died. There will be no more wise ass remarks. There will be no more witty humor at the briefings. There will be no more ease of use for Ancient devices. There will be no more Atlantis as I know it.

The Ethosians begin to set up candles and pillows. The Ethosians burial consists of an entire night of a candle light vigil. I kneel down on one of the pillows. I would stay here for as long as I could. I owed far more to John Sheppard, but I couldn't ever repay him. The least I could do, is offer a prayer or two for him.

I'm a Christian person. I believe in God. I begin my prayer and hold my vigil on the last memory of John Sheppard. I'll remember him as my greatest friend and my strongest supporter. I wish I could do more, but I can't. I just can't.

_THE END_

_A/N: So, anyone crying yet, I am! Still brainstorming that new story and still looking for possible Beta readers._


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